"How much money does a woman have to make to warrant having a gut?"

“Why do women bother to fake orgasm, when the real power is in faking blow job enjoyment?”

"I blow for food."

“My girlfriends that are single and over 40 don’t want to know what you do for a living, they want to know how long you can maintain an erection.  But if you have a good living, be prepared to show your index finger.”

“Women are validation seeking missiles.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of MILFs (mothers I’d like to fuck) but being a mom and having kids in sports makes me more interested in the CILFs, coaches.”

“I’d rather bungee jump from my nipples than teach, I’d rather bungee jump from one nipple than teach.”

“You’re a fun guy, F-U-N-G-I.”

“You want your spouse to stay, tell them to get the fuck out, they’ll take root.”

“In my next life I want to be a Financial Consultant and a dominatrix.”

“Female ejaculation is the great equalizer.”